


John: Don't Do The Windy Thing

by amaranthinecanicular



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 12:37:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaranthinecanicular/pseuds/amaranthinecanicular
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Humans should be illegal, damn it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	John: Don't Do The Windy Thing

“Humans should be illegal, damn it.”

Aw, man, your palest of bros is getting his shout on again. And you just thought he was chilling the fuck down, too. “That so, best friend?”

“Yes it’s fucking so, I just said it didn’t I? Can you try not to be a pan-addled moron for two seconds in my hour of need?”

He goes off about humans and their “complete fucking inanity” and you nod along patiently, playing with his hair. He came in here about ten minutes ago, in a big old huff, hair and clothes windswept, just like the cutest, grumpiest little tumbleweed, all blown in from a storm. He asked to jam (more like demanded, but its all the same with your Karbro), and you were down for it. He dove right into the stuff about humans being the most egregious error God had ever had the misfortune of creating, and how He deserved to be kicked in the shame globes for His mistake – he then reaffirmed himself as the god that created them and proceeded to try and kick himself in the shame globes, but you calmed him down enough right quick. No matter how many times you ask, though, he still refuses to tell you what happened what started this whole mess.

“Gamzee! Are you even listening to me?”

You blink back to the present, where an angry little troll with the bitchtits-iest of horns is scowling at you expectantly. You grin a little, reach across and ruffle his hair, and then say over his swear-riddled protests, “Might listen if you got your explanation on, bro. You wanna tell me what the motherfuckin’ deal is yet?”

He flushes a ruddy red, eyes comically wide, before hunching in on himself and growling at the floor. “It’s so fucking stupid,” he mumbles, and then tacks onto the end, “not as stupid as humans, though.”

“’Course not.”

“It’s just – okay, but you have to swear you won’t laugh, alright?”

You put a bony hand over your blood pusher. “Messiahs slay me.”

He grumps something heretical about the messiahs that you distinctly do not hear, before finally fessing up, “Okay, well you know how me and John have… you know – oh, shut up!”

“Wasn’t sayin’ nothing, bro,”

“Your dumb clown face was saying it! Do you want me to tell you what happened or not?”

You try to school your features into something resembling serious, but it’s a difficulty. Egbert and Karbro have been a motherfucking “item” for a few weeks now, and messiahs damn you if they aren’t the cutest motherfucking things. They get all flushy and blushy ‘round each other, and it makes you miss Tavbro something fierce, but to see the little smile on your diamond’s face is more than worth it.

Said smile is there now, as he recalls the events to you. “Well, yeah, you know about me and John - who fucking doesn’t, no respect for this little thing called privacy I guess – and we were watching this movie right? Something you wouldn’t know, it had Matthew Maconoghey – the dumb human version – and he makes this move. He puts his arm around my shoulders, like the cheesiest dork who ever spawned-” he’s blushing as he says this, obviously pleased by the memory, “and he turns to me right, and he raises one hideous eyebrow and says in all his horrible buck-toothed glory, “’Sup, handsome?” and I almost pop a lung laughing because what the fuck, right, and he gets this disgusting red and starts laughing too and spluttering these awful excuses about how that’s what Strider told him to do, because he actually took advice from Dave Queen of Irony Strider, what was John even thinking, and I guess we’re sort of having a moment, so he leans in, and I sort of lean in, maybe, just a little, and…”

You’re grinning from ear to ear as his voice fades off. “And you get your mack on?”

He gets redder and redder, and that’s funny, his embarrassed face looks way much like his angry face-

“And the little fucker sneezes in my face and sends me through the fucking wall!”

…Oh.

Karkat’s watching you, his face getting somehow impossibly redder. What a motherfuckin’ miracle. “You utter fucking douchenozzle! You swore you wouldn’t laugh!”

He’s hitting you and you’re snorting, these tiny chirrupy honks, you’re trying so hard not to laugh at your poor best bro. “I’m tryin’, brother,” you say, but it comes out giggly and he whacks you harder, “’M sorry, it was just motherfuckin' funny, bro,"

“It wasn’t funny! It was unsanitary! It was humiliating! It was horrible!”

“’Course it was, ‘course it was.” You manage to get your mirth under control enough to give him a soothing shoosh unbroken by giggles. “I’m taking that to mean you haven’t up and talked at him since the motherfuckin’ windy thing?”

He pouts, and you are struck yet again by the fact that your moirail is the cutest fucking thing. “Maybe,” he grumps, and you shake your head and sigh. He growls halfheartedly. “Yeah, like you’re one to talk, mister Hide From All My Problems In A Vent,”

“Aw, bro, you can’t all up and be making my same mistakes. Can’t up and be repeating that wicked noise, don’t you know? You gotta talk to Egbert, work out all your motherfuckin’ arguments, and get your mack on.”

At that last bit he screeches and starts hitting you again, and the flush on his face is worth it.

“Karkat? Are you in here? I would recognize your cute little hate-shouting anywhere!”

Karkat jumps three feet in the air as his blue-eyed beau stumbles in, all smiles and motherfucking teeth. Boy’s got wicked chompers, you’ll give him that.  
“And just what do you want, Sneezy?” Karkat snaps, recovering from his scare with grace. Egbert toes at the ground all bashful like while your best friend untangles himself from you. 

“I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t mean to do the windy thing, I swear, even if it would have been a pretty great prank-”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my endoskeleton realigning! You know, since I got sneezed through a fucking wall.”

Egbert just shrugs helplessly, takes a step closer. Karkat growls a little but otherwise don’t move much. “I really am sorry, Karkat,” Chompers says earnestly, “Can you hear me now?”

Karkat huffs and looks away. “Not yet, fuckass,”

Another step. “I’m sorry. How about now?”

Karkat’s cheeks are getting that pretty red again. “No dice, idiot.”

Another step and now Egbert is way up in your moirail’s face, and you watch for signs of discomfort but don’t see any.

Egbert’s voice is soft. “I’m sorry for sneezing you through a wall. And interrupting what was probably gonna be a really good first kiss. If you forgive me, I’ll upgrade the kissometer from really good to really great-”

“Oh, shut your spurious word hole, Egbert, you’re embarrassing yourself,” says your Karbro, biting to the motherfucking last, before he hooks a claw behind Egbert’s head and pulls him right into a big old smooch. You watch them awkwardly tug at each other, a grin stretching your flapper right up to your motherfucking aural canals.

“Well if that ain’t just the sweetest thing,” you coo, and don’t mind so much that Karkat throws things at you until you leave the room because you got to see him soft and sweet, with that tiny little smile on his face what livens up your mostly-dead pump-buscuit. Ain’t no amount of swearing will thieve that image from your pan, though to Karkat’s credit he does try, and does so valiantly.

As you stroll away you decide that he misses your obliviousness the most from your sopor days. But as Egbert’s laughter and Karkat’s soft chuckles follow you out you decide too that it was motherfucking worth it to have that fog cleared, ‘cause you had no idea what wicked whimsies you were missing out on.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a thing! I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
